The optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The chemist sees the glass as completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the gaseous state.

Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak? Because it’s in the ground state.

Why are chemists so great at solving problems? Answer: Because they have all the solutions.

What was Avogadro’s favorite sport? Golf, because he always got a mole-in-one.

What is the most important chemistry rule? Never lick the spoon!

What show do cesium and iodine love to watch together? CsI

What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes of helium? HeHe.

Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!

What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.

H 2 O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H 2 O cubed
What is the chemical formula for sea water? CH 2 O

I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.

Why did the white bear dissolve in water? Because it was a polar bear.

Cats are composed of Iron, Lithium and Neon: FeLiNe

Which elements do pirates like? Aaargon and gold!

Why should go shopping with neutrons? Wherever they go, there is no charge!

Two atoms are walking down the street. One atom says to the other, “Hey! I think I lost an electron! The other says: “Are you sure?” The first: “Yes, I’m positive!”

Why can you never trust atoms? Because they make up everything!